As she placed the scrumptious chocolaty delight in my hand, i knew just what is was from the famous aluminum foil. The kiss shined like the sun. I crumpled the foil into my hand and threw it away. Hershey's chocolate has such a distinct smell it reminds me of the first rain drop coming from the sky. I could feel it melt as i dropped it in my mouth. It tasted unbelievable, just as when i was younger. A Hershey's Kiss is a double rainbow, unique and unlike any other.
Good strong verb, crumpled. You need more like that. Try and avoid 'has' 'was' 'is' and be more concrete in your description.
ReplyDeleteIt tasted unbelievable doesn't tell your reader anything. Remember to show instead of tell.
I like the double rainbow metaphor and your raindrop (one word) metaphor.
Proofread your work for errors in grammar and mechanics. You have to always capitalize 'I' in your writing unless you are text messaging.
Don't put a period after a title.
Not sure you need the word 'Just' in the title.
Unique and unlike any other are the same, so be careful about being repetitive.
I think you should have stopped after double rainbow.
Be careful of cliches like shined like the sun.
Good first effort!! :) SBS